Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Love Story that is Completely Fabricated and Appallingly Sarcastic, in Honor of St. Valentine

February 12, 2008 - Tuesday
Current mood: smitten

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am elated to inform you that I have fallen in love with a rock star. Well, I am not so much "in love", as I have a little crush, and he is not so much a rock star, as the lead singer for a dual-marketed Christian/mainstream light rock band.

Let's call him Buck Hartman. I enjoy his songs and his gruff voice melts me. Buck has long, blonde hair that may or may not be a little greasy. He occasionally wears a beard, and his clothing is typically relatively stylish (except that Don Johnson jacket I saw him wear once). I have never actually met Buck, or seen his face in good lighting, for that matter. But I imagine he smells nice and has a brooding stare. And, being that he and his band mates are from the southeastern part of these United States, I assume he probably uses words like y'all, brisket, sweet tea and ma'am. And he can probably call a woman "baby" without sounding like a creep.

On February 22, 2008, just ten short days from now, Buck and I will finally meet.

My friend Kim has probably been encouraging this crush a little too much, but I don't blame her. What follows has been copied and pasted from an actual email exchange between Kim and me, regarding mine and Buck's potential love story that will begin to unfold on this upcoming Friday evening:

What preceded this email is of no consequence…

Kim: Good job Nic!! That's awesome. Just don't become a floosie. Buck Hartman wouldn't like that ; )

Nicole: Oh yeah, I forgot that I'm going to put all my eggs into the proverbial basket of Buck Hartman. I'm positive that I will meet him and he will instantaneously fall madly and desperately in love with me because in my single word "hello", I will somehow have captivated him more than all the other girls who have been in his life or attended his concerts before...yes, even Haley. Because I am just that magnetic.

Based on my one word, "hello", he will grab me around my waist, pull me into him, and kiss me more passionately than anyone has ever kissed another person before in the history of the world. He will invite me (and my friends, of course), to dinner with them after the show. We will go to IHOP. We will feed each other bites of pancake. We will share a joint orange juice with two straws and both marvel at the horrible taste of the orange juice mixed with the sweetness of the syrup for our pancakes. We will rub our noses together and feel that spark once again.

We will exchange phone numbers and he, because of his unlimited wealth as the front man of a lesser-known dirty rock band, will fly me to every one of their concerts for the remainder of this tour. After the tour, he will spend his weekends in Decatur, wining and dining me to my capacity of wining and dining (minus the wine part, of course).

Then, sometime in July he will ask for my hand, and I will oblige. We will marry exactly one year from now, and ride off into the sunset on a black, diamond-studded horse...because that is just the rocker way.

And so will go the love story of Buck and me. Once February 23 rolls around, if you don't hear from me for awhile, this is why. By February 23, you see, Buck will have so captured my heart that I will have little room for any other social interaction because by day I will be traveling the world with him on his tour, and by night, I will be dreaming of the next day when I will again see my Buck. Please forgive me if I don't return phone calls or emails, but I will simply be too preoccupied with my new love to respond to you. However, you can be expecting a wedding invitation sometime in late December of this year, or early January of 2009.

Kim: Gosh...I love you. You are so hilarious! Do you really want a husband named Buck?

Nicole: yeah...if he plays me songs on his guitar, I'll take a husband named poop!

Currently listening : The Heat By Needtobreathe Release date: 28 August, 2007

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