Sunday, January 20, 2008

27 Dresses

January 20, 2008 - Sunday
Current mood: thoughtful

There is a new movie out right now called 27 Dresses. It is the story of me. Although, the woman depicted in the film is much sweeter and a far better friend than I am.

But I have been a bridesmaid about 27 times with the promise of several more to come in the future (I've actually been in 5 weddings, but I was using hyperbole for dramatic effect). Make no mistake, I absolutely LOVE being a bridesmaid. When my close friends and family members are getting married, I can't imagine anything I'd rather do than to stand with them in support of the beginning of their new lives. I've had some fabulous times at weddings. I am always left with a story to tell. For example, this summer I was in my cousin's wedding. After I had finished putting my dress on for the ceremony, I realized that my slip was a little wrinkled underneath. As I flipped my dress up to fix my slip, the dress hit me in the face and I was left with a perfect pink lip print right around the knee caps on my lavender dress. It seems like something always happens to create a lasting memory. There are not a whole lot of things funnier than a photographer trying to strategically place your kneecaps so the lipstick on your dress won't show….thanks, Tina.

But with each ceremony comes a little twinge of selfish pain. With each diamond ring a little loneliness. With each bridesmaid dress a little regret. With each wedding announcement a little fear.

The female mind is so complex. I never cease to amaze myself with my thought processes. I can be completely elated for my friend when she gets engaged, and completely heartbroken at the same time. I love my friends and family dearly and I can't imagine a higher honor than to be asked to participate in the most important day of their lives. It must mean I'm special to them. They want to share their joy with me. They want me to help them celebrate. And I am genuinely thrilled to be there.

But at the same time, each step down that aisle makes me wonder if my time will ever come.
My very best friends from college are already married with children. Their lives are so different from the days of sitting in the dorm rooms eating pizza at 1:00 AM. They have children to care for, houses to keep, husbands to spend time with. And honestly, aside from the fact that I can't eat pizza that late at night anymore, my life really isn't too different from my college days.

Maybe I should enjoy my freedom while I have it….but sometimes that's hard to do.
I think back on the past and I realize there were a couple of relationships or hopes of relationships I wasted too much time on. And there have been a couple of relationships or potential relationships I'm afraid I gave up on too quickly. I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I been a little wiser.

And it's not about a wedding. I would get married at the City Hall for the right man. A wedding is a nice celebration, but I really don't care that much about it for myself. I just want some place to settle down. Somewhere that feels like permanence. A place that feels like home. Where I am now, unfortunately, isn't it. My life has been devoid of permanence since I graduated college nearly 4 years ago. I'm just wanting to be settled, and I'm not sure that I will until I have someone that I know I can spend the rest of my life with.

All of this isn't to say that my life is without happiness. I am actually quite happy most of the time and joyful all of the time. I'm not mentally unstable or emotionally underdeveloped. I have a job, I make plans, I go out with my friends, I have a good time, I set goals for myself, I try to improve myself all the time. I go on with my life. But marriage has been a deep longing in my heart since I was a little girl. I'm not spending my days in agony, pining away for a husband, and groveling with God to bring me one. But at times I feel the absence of my husband very acutely.
I don't know why I haven't gotten married yet. Maybe I'm annoying. Maybe I'm too ugly. Maybe I have bad breath. But I have the feeling that it's probably just because I just haven't entered into that relationship yet. And I'm confident that God will provide. The waiting is just difficult sometimes. As I was making a long drive tonight, I heard this new song by my favorite songwriter of all time: Kendall Payne. You can hear the song playing on my profile page right now, but I am also going to type the lyrics here for you to read.
I realize that there are people who have lost loved ones, or who are battling cancer, and I'm whining about feeling a little lonely. I understand that I'm being completely selfish and impatient and pitiful. But I'm so grateful that God loves me in spite of myself, and that He still speaks even when I can't seem to pull my head out of the mud to hear him clearly. If the Creator of love himself is offering these words of encouragement and empathy to me, then I have to feel better about my current and temporary situation.


I Will Show You Love by Kendall Payne
I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word
You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer
I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
And you were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me, my child
Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure, you sacrifice your soul, please let that go
You have climbed an uphill road, you have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars, the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there
Where you gonna hide, where you gonna hide from me
Where you gonna go, where you gonna go that I can't see
Cause I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end, there is still a hope.

To my married friends and family, I love you all dearly and please know that I am truly and sincerely happy for you that you have found stability and someone to share your life with. I look up to you.

For the rest of us, may you find encouragement in the words of this beautiful and eloquent song and also in the Word of the creator of love. Know that you're not alone and that human love will falter and fail, but God's love is perfect.

Currently listening : Paper Skin By Kendall Payne